cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
Sober January is a disaster.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
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