were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
