dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
And then my night got REAL pukey
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
