Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
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