You smell like stripper and shame
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Randomize
