i just sent this text using only my big toe
fuck your aforementioned shoe
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
Randomize
