Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
