I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
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I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
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Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
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