do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Randomize
