By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
did i walk over a car last night?
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I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
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You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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