she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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