tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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