i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
