I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
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