you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
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