Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
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