I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
Randomize
