White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Randomize
