i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Randomize
