if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
