My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
Randomize
