decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
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