maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Randomize
