walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
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