Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
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