He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
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