I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Randomize
