Just fell off a train. Bad.
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
