hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
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My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
