got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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