I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Randomize
