john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
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i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
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