My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Randomize
