this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize
