THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
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