I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
Randomize
