Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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