I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
Randomize
