So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
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