TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
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She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
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Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
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