My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
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I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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