Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
