I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
The 19 Strangest Things People Use To Get Off
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
These 25 Normal Couples Tried Porn Moves During Sex And It Ended Horribly
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way