I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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