I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
