I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
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