I will die if light touches me.
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
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