She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
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