Kareoke will never be a sober sport
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
Randomize
