so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
