So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
