So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Your penis caused this!
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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