my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.