you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.