You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
