i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
