I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Randomize
